👣 WALK YOUR TALK with Amy

A Weekly Dose of Truth, Freedom & Love

When a Woman Chooses Herself there are consequences …

I’ve spent seven years learning how to stop abandoning myself.

And I’ve spent five years coaching other women to do the same.

If you've spent any time in the personal development world, you've probably heard the phrase, "choose yourself" many times.

And I believe in this concept and the power it holds.

But lately, I’ve been wanting to open up a different conversation around this topic that I don’t think we talk about enough.

What happens when choosing yourself breaks your own heart?

Because that’s exactly where I am right now.

We spend decades being the woman everyone can depend on.

If you’re a woman in midlife, you either ARE this woman or know her.

The woman who always works overtime because nobody else can.

The woman who hosts every holiday and tells everyone not to bring a thing.

The woman who is a human calendar for an entire household of schedules and appointments.

The woman who says YES before she even checks in with herself.

And somewhere underneath all that doing and giving is a woman quietly wondering how much longer can I keep this up?

I know that woman. I WAS that woman. And eventually, something changes.

You start wanting different things like Peace, Freedom and Reciprocity in relationships.

You want to stop being the woman who carries everything for everyone all the time and gets nothing in return.

You want your needs to be part of the equation for once.

And so you start choosing yourself. Because if you don't, who is?

And then comes the part nobody talks about.

You finally muster up the courage to stop overdoing and over-giving.

You start saying NO.

And you think, Finally! They're seeing and hearing the real me. I'm choosing ME!

But here's what nobody tells you.

Just because you stop.... doesn't mean somebody else starts... .

You stop hosting the holidays and nobody else steps up.

You stop being the one who always reaches out and suddenly it's been months since you've spoken.

You stop doing 85% of the emotional labor in a relationship, and maybe that relationship doesn't survive.

You start showing up as your real self, and people who loved the old version of you judge and reject this "new you."

And all the while you're thinking, But I'm finally being REAL. I'm finally saying what I've kept inside for decades!

And instead of acceptance or curiosity, you get judgment, gossip and maybe some unexpected distance.

THAT'S the part that hurts.

Because you can do all the healing in the world.

But you cannot force anyone to meet you there with open arms. Sometimes it's more like a slammed door in your face.

I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely lately.

And that's not easy for me to write, but it's the TRUTH.

I've struggled with loneliness for much of my life. Before healing and after healing. Even while building a life that I genuinely love.

And lately I've been asking myself some VERY uncomfortable questions.

Have I become too rigid?

Have my standards gotten too self-centered?

Am I expecting too much from people?

Have I gotten so good at choosing myself that I've created more distance between myself and the people I love than I intended?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

I'm not going to pretend I've done this perfectly.

But I am beginning to understand something about the way I used to live.

There was something strangely safe about abandoning myself for everyone else’s sake.

Think about that for a moment.

When I said YES but meant NO, I was the one who suffered. Only me.

When I tolerated something I didn't want to tolerate, I carried the resentment in my belly.

When I kept the peace, I swallowed my truth.

The conflict was happening INSIDE of ME.

And as uncomfortable as that was, at least I felt like I was in FULL CONTROL of it.

Nobody else had to know.

Nobody else had to be disappointed.

Nobody else had to change.

And there was almost a strange sense of pride in it.

I'm the strong one. I'm the one who can handle it. Nobody else could possibly carry all of this. This is just who God made me to be.

Poor me. Look at everything I have to put up with.

But don't worry, I've got it. I ALWAYS DO.

I wasn’t just keeping the peace. I was playing the Martyr.

And being the martyr came with a certain kind of safety.

I got to be the good one. The strong one. The selfless one who sacrificed herself for everybody else.

And nobody had to know how much resentment I was carrying underneath it all.

But when I started speaking up, saying NO and refusing to swallow the discomfort anymore…

The conflict that used to live INSIDE me started showing up BETWEEN me and the people I love.

And THAT has been a whole different kind of uncomfortable.

Because now other people have feelings and opinions about my decisions.

They get disappointed. They get angry. They pull away.

And sometimes relationships change in ways I never wanted.

And just like that, I went from the Martyr to the Villain.

No longer Amy, the strong woman who holds everything together.

Now I'm Amy, the selfish one. The difficult one. The one who changed. The one who made a decision somebody else didn't like.

And here's the kicker.

When I was the martyr, I was abandoning myself to keep everybody else comfortable.

Now that I'm choosing myself, I'm learning how to be comfortable with other people's discomfort.

And sometimes that means being the villain in somebody else's story.

Even when I never intended to hurt them.

Even when I love them deeply.

Who knew giving up the role of the martyr could feel so much like becoming the villain?

And right now, I’m living through one of those unwanted changes.

Recently, I made a very difficult decision involving someone I love more than words can describe.

I'd wrestled with it for a long time and reached a point where I felt I could no longer continue with things as they were.

So I chose to make a change.

And I imagined the outcome VERY differently.

I thought there would be more understanding. More willingness to meet in the middle. Maybe even some relief on both sides.

Instead, the relationship has become painfully distant.

And I am heartbroken. I miss this person.

To love someone so deeply, know they're still out there, and have no idea what your relationship will look like tomorrow, next month or next year.

That's a strange kind of grief.

I keep asking myself if I did the right thing.

Not once. Not occasionally. Every Day Since.

Did I really need to make that decision? Was I too harsh? Was there another way? Did choosing myself really have to cost this much?

I've been bringing this into my own coaching sessions. Crying about it. Questioning myself. Trying to find the lesson.

And you know what? I DON'T HAVE ONE.

Not yet. Maybe I won't for a very long time.

But something came through in a recent coaching session that has stayed with me.

I was trying so hard to determine whether my decision was RIGHT or WRONG.

And the only thing I could say with absolute certainty was this:

I made a decision. And now we're all living with the consequences of that decision.

That's it.

Everything else is a story.

I was selfish. I was justified. I should have waited. I should have done it sooner.

I can argue every side of it. And right now, I don't know which one is true.

Maybe choosing yourself isn’t the beautiful ending we make it out to be.

Maybe it's simply a decision.

One that can bring freedom AND grief.

Relief AND regret.

Peace AND loneliness.

Sometimes all in the very same day.

Same as, NOT choosing yourself is a decision.

Staying in a situation that's hurting you or Walking away.

Swallowing your needs for another year or setting the boundary.

Every choice comes with consequences. And sometimes we don't know the full cost until we're living it.

I’m writing this from the messy middle.

There are real tears flowing as I write this. There's grief. There's loneliness.

There are moments when I feel proud of myself for making a difficult decision.

And moments when I wonder if I made a terrible mistake.

Both are here.

And I'm learning to let them be here without rushing to turn this into a happy ending.

I don't know how this story ends.

I don't know whether the relationship will heal.

I don't know what I'll think about my decision a year from now.

But I do know that choosing yourself is not a consequence-free decision.

And neither is choosing everyone else.

So maybe the question isn't simply, Am I choosing myself?

Maybe it's:

What am I choosing? What might it cost? And am I willing to live with the consequences of my decision?

That's where I am right now.

Still choosing. Still learning. Still loving. And still figuring out what all of it means.

With love,
Amy

💌 INVITATIONS

1️⃣ What if choosing yourself didn't have to mean figuring everything out alone?

If you're exhausted from being the woman everyone counts on, struggling to say NO without guilt, or feeling lonely and misunderstood as you begin putting your own needs first, I want you to know something.

You can love the people in your life AND stop abandoning yourself to keep them happy.

And learning how to navigate that? It's not always easy.

This is the work I do with women in my private 1:1 coaching. We work on building self-trust, finding your voice, setting boundaries and learning how to navigate the uncomfortable emotions and relationship changes that come with choosing yourself.

Not by becoming someone else.

By learning how to stay true to yourself, even when it's hard.

If you're ready to explore what that could look like in your own life, I'd love to have a conversation.

​→ Schedule a Private Coaching Clarity Call With Me​

2️⃣ Join Me In Person for a calming 60-minute EFT Tapping Meditation designed to help you feel more peaceful, grounded, and clear inside. You’ll leave feeling lighter, calmer, and more at ease.​
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📍 Quantum Wellness, Bedminster, NJ​
📅 Nov 7 | 12 PM