👣 WALK YOUR TALK with Amy

A Weekly Dose of Truth, Freedom & Love

Stop Explaining and Over-Explaining

I don’t need the whole damn story.

I’m learning more and more that most explanations are HIGHLY unnecessary.

And over-explanations?

For God’s sake, can we PLEASE just eliminate them all together?

I appreciate a short, simple yes or no and then maybe 1 short follow up sentence. How about you?

I learned this years ago as a nurse manager.

I used to run an entire hospital at night.

Three floors, 153 patient beds and 50- ish employees. I had a lot to manage.

And when someone called out of work, I needed to know two things:

Are you calling out? And for what shift? That’s it.

Yet, I cannot tell you how many times I’d answer the phone and get:

“Hi Amy, so I woke up this morning and my daughter wasn’t feeling well and then around 3am she started…”

Five minutes later, we’re still going. ⏰

Eventually I learned to interrupt them mid sentence and ask 2 questions.

“Are you calling out?” And "For what shifts?"

followed by a quick

“OK. That’s all I need. Feel better. Goodnight.”

DONE.

The long story was irrelevant and a waste of time for me in my role.

Fast-forward 20 years…

I recently sold my son’s car to a dealership and was waiting for the check.

Today I went there because I wanted ONE piece of information:

Where is my check?

The salesperson came out and immediately started explaining.

I recognized the situation immediately and interrupted him mid-sentence.

“I don’t want the explanation. I just need to know where my check is. That's it. ”

He answered immediately and somewhat surprised, “It’s in the mail.”

THANK YOU. Done. Goodbye. I left and enjoyed the rest of my day.

I don’t need to know whose desk the check landed on, who forgot what, whose hands it passed through or how your dealership processes checks.

Again, the story he wanted to share was irrelevant to what I needed.

And then I received the best text message EVER.

This morning I was getting ready to meet a friend at the beach to paddle-board.

We made the plans last night and figured out all the details.

I’m getting myself ready this morning and my phone buzzes.

“Sorry Amy I have to cancel today.”​
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That’s it. One single glorious sentence that told me everything I needed to know followed by a small wave of disappointment.

And then peace as I realized I had just reclaimed a bunch of time, didn’t need to rush through my morning and we’d simply try again another day.

So I wrote back:

“OK, we’ll try again another day.”

DONE.

No annoying paragraph explaining what happened last night.

No long-winded story about what happened this morning.

No convincing me that she was justified in her reasoning.

She gave me the relevant information I actually needed.

"Amy, I’m not coming."

I swear to God, it was like music to my ears. 🎶

Say NO first. Explain later. If at all.

A few hours later, my friend happened to tell me why she canceled.

She sent me ONE single sentence about what was going on.

Great. AND notice the order.

She gave me the information I needed first.

Then, hours later, she gave me a little more context.

THIS is everything.

Because so many women do the exact opposite.

Someone asks:

“Do you want to come to dinner tonight?”

And suddenly we’re writing a dissertation.

“Oh my God, thank you so much for inviting me. I really wanted to come and I feel terrible because I know we haven’t seen each other and I’ve been so busy and my son has this thing and then I have to…”

STOP please 🛑

“No, I can’t make it tonight. Thank you for the invite though.”

There’s your answer.

Who is the story really for?

THIS is the part I really want you to get.

We swear we’re giving all of that information for the other person.

We’re not.

We’re doing it for ourselves because we’re uncomfortable saying no and possibly disappointing someone.

We’re uncomfortable giving someone an answer we think they don’t want to hear.

So we start presenting evidence for the defense.

“See? I have a really good reason!”
​
“I’m not selfish!”

“I’m not rude!”

“Please understand and don't be upset with me!”

We’re trying to make ourselves feel better about saying no.

Your answer gets to be enough.

If someone asks you a question, answer it. That's it.

If they want more information? They can ask.

And if they don’t? Stop talking.

Less is more. Direct is kind. Clear is respectful.

Your NO doesn’t become more legitimate because you attached three paragraphs of supporting evidence to it.

You don’t need a “good enough” reason to say no.

You need to know that your no is enough.

Your experiment this week

For the next seven days: Answer first. Explain later. If at all.

Someone invites you somewhere?

“No, I can’t make it and thank you for inviting me.”

Someone asks you to do something when you’re unavailable?

“No, I have a scheduling conflict on that date.”

And by the way, a scheduling conflict is a scheduling conflict.

It could be a client, a doctor's appointment, a daily workout or you sitting on the couch watching Netflix.

You don’t owe anyone the details of your calendar to prove you’re unavailable.

then, notice how uncomfortable it feels.

Notice your brain screaming:

“BUT I NEED TO TELL THEM WHY!”

No, you don’t.

Let them have their feelings. Learn to sit in silence. Let your answer stand all by itself.

Then hit reply and tell me what happened.

What did you notice when you stopped explaining your NO?

Because once you realize you don’t need permission, approval OR a good enough explanation to say no…

You're a free woman and nothing feels better than that!

With love,
Amy